Borderlines on BPD Misunderstood

Borderlines respond to a question concerning what they think the most misunderstood aspect of Borderline Personality Disorder is.

Recently I asked this question to a list of borderlines. What do you think is the most misunderstood thing (aspect) of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) by those people that you've known and or therapists? Why?

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Jeff answers:

"Staff thinking all borderlines fall into some stereotypical pattern. I've gone from being an active, curious participant in my treatment to being manipulative, distrustful and splitting.

The only thing that changed was my diagnosis. When I was without a clear diagnosis I was treated with compassion. Once the doctor said "borderline" every action and word of mine became suspect.

One time, during a staffing, the psychiatrist said something that went against what the psychologist had told me. When I asked for some clarification I was told I was trying to split the staff and kicked out of the conference room.

Really made it hard to trust my own reality when everyone around me was seeing some ulterior motive to my every action.

Me - "I'm sorry but I can't eat this. I don't like fish."

Them - "You're only hurting yourself by not eating what we bring you. We're not going to let you manipulate us like this."

You see what I mean?"

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Lisa H answers:

"For me it is my demanding, very expressive personality trait. I have to have people that REALLY know me, completely understand me! If they don't see my side of a situation then I resent them terribly....I am not stubborn just VERY persistent!! I also think that because of my inconsistencies in my life that I am considered to be a "hopeless" case. I don't think so because I have BPD and it takes ALONG time to recover!

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Cinda answers:

"Therapists/psychiatrists I have been to seem to treat the signs (outward manifestations) of BPD and ignore the feelings that generate these signs. As long as I don't display any of the BPD traits then everything's fine. But it's that inner stuff that kills.

No one that I know is aware of the BPD diagnosis."

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Nerrida answers:

"I think that the most misunderstood aspect of BPD is when therapists etc dismiss my behaviours as "attention- seeking". Firstly, if I am seeking attention - it is because I have a need which is not being met (and doesn't everyone have them at times). That does not mean I should be ignored or treated as bad. Secondly, I think it is too easy to just say - 'oh she is just seeking attention, we should ignore her or even punish her so that she learns not to do it'. That approach solves nothing.

I have learned that a lot of my behaviours have been inappropriate in terms of getting my needs met. But the real success and change for me came when I began to delve into what exactly were the needs that I had. Then I could move on to finding ways of expressing myself more appropriately and finding more acceptable and successful ways to achieve the outcomes I needed. I think it shows a basic lack of understanding to label our behaviours as "attention-seeking". It belittles, demoralizes us and takes away our ability to see ourselves as functioning adults who are capable of directing our behaviours and responses."

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Terri answers:

"I think the most misunderstood part of bpd is that nobody can see it visually. I mean everybody thinks I should be doing so much more then what I am doing and that there is nothing wrong with me except being lazy. They don't see the pain and hurt inside of me. They don't know how sensitive I am to everyone and everything around me. They don't understand that when I explode it is because it is out of frustration because I have let it build up inside me and was to scared of being rejected to address each issue when it would come up. I need my therapist to stop dancing around the bpd issues as well and start to help me.

I guess the why of all this is because I don't trust people enough. I'm too scared of being hurt that I can't let them see me for who I am. I am extremely scared of being rejected. This has happened to me before and it was terrible. These are the types of things I want to work on in therapy but my therapist just doesn't get it. Oh well I guess I will just have to try a little harder. Anyway this is how it is for me."

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It has been my experience that people with BPD get lost to others and are lost to themselves (to varying degrees). Borderlines tend to be viewed and or experienced as the "symptoms" or the cause of others' pain. Their personhood and identity, though shrouded in fog to begin with, gets lost even further. Much is heard from non-borderlines and even professionals about how much borderlines hurt them or are difficult to deal with. This, though often true, results in the borderline (at some point) coming face to face with an immense level of agony on top of what is an already a monumentally-profound amount of pain.

The personality disorder is misunderstood and the person with the personality disorder often is forgotten. I think that BPD is as misunderstood by many out of a need to protect themselves from any further onslaught to their senses, emotions, sanity or person. I believe that a great many professionals do not understand BPD very well. They may learn the jargon and they may learn the symptoms but I don't think they learn how to deal with a borderline who actually "presents" as borderline (in therapy). In other words the great misunderstanding of and in therapy is that somehow a borderline is not "allowed" or not "supposed" to be borderline in the office or in the session. Many professionals are not prepared to commit to what it takes to truly see a borderline to wellness. This has always boggled my mind. As if somehow borderlines (in the early stages of healing) can at all control themselves or act any more appropriately in a professional's office than they do in life. This is like deciding that a baby's crawling (while in a professional's office) is inappropriate and expecting and insisting that they just walk while they are there. And if they can't walk then many therapists would dismiss them as patients. Rather senseless isn't it?

Perhaps the greatest misunderstanding of all, when it comes to BPD, is the prevailing thought (in a large percentage of the helping professions) that borderlines cannot get better. Is this not a self-fulfilling prophecy of the therapists who are not working with borderlines in a way in which borderlines truly need them to in order that they can get better?

Regardless of what your understanding of BPD is it might benefit you to take another look at it. Whether you are borderline, non-borderline, or a professional. I believe that BPD remains one of the most misunderstood personality disorders.

Borderline Personality Disorder remains steeped in myth and misunderstanding. It is lost in the middle of efforts to define it and re-define it. The understanding that borderlines most need has been shoved aside in an all-out-war against BPD by the professionals. Rather than 'war' against the effects of BPD or 'war' against the tragedy of BPD, or 'war' against the litany of the suffering that borderlines are in the throes of; professionals would rather debate endlessly about biology versus environment and drug treatment.

To be "understood" borderlines and Borderline Personality Disorder must be equally recognized. Borderlines MUST be given the help (real help -- not just drug dismissal and or "control") that they need. The receiving of this much needed "real help" is what will result in more and more borderlines healing. Do I misunderstand the "healing profession" when I assert that they do not appear to be working with and for borderlines to this end?

© Ms. A.J. Mahari, December 5, 1999