Most who are ever diagnosed with Borderline Personality
Disorder, in my opinion, need to learn how to cry. Why?
Because so much of the behaviour that is classified/labelled
"borderline" stems from the repression of feelings
and unmet needs.
Feelings are repressed and unmet needs are often
dissociated from and or flatly denied in "borderline
reality" because they have come to represent the
borderline's original trauma. That trauma doesn't have to
have been something devastatingly-dramatic. It only has to
be a crucial need that goes unmet or a sudden emotional
loss to name a couple of examples.
Finding out what is/was and or represents your trauma
is important. Having the willingness to not only look back
but to "feel" back is essential to recovery. If you are
borderline you are in pain. You may or may not be in touch
with feeling that pain.
In order to cry, for many, (some borderlines are very
expressive and do cry easily and often, most however, do not)
it is necessary to first stop the maladaptive coping defense
mechanisms that you go to instead of allowing your tears to
flow. Cutting, threatening suicide, (or psuedo-attempting
suicide - this is not to be confused with actual suicidality)
punching objects, others or yourself, any other acts of violence,
drinking excessively, over-eating, shop-lifting, and taking
drugs are all examples of ways that borderlines CRY.
Those are not healthy ways to cry. Those are not ways that
actually allow you to express your pain and grief and begin to
lessen the stockpile of pain and or grief that you may have.
Only actual crying, grieving and flowing of tears can do that.
Borderlines CRY OUT because they either don't know
how to cry or don't feel safe enough or worthy enough to cry.
Instead of crying out, borderlines need to let the tears flow,
grieve, cry and feel all that has hurt them so badly. It is the
road to recovery. The road to recovery is "paved" with tears.
It is the river of your dreams. There is a rainbow at the end
of the road and way to unwind the "borderline" in your
personality. Cry.
Borderlines need to cry, simply put, so they can heal.
Borderline pain is real. Borderline perception of experience
and or actual experience in the relational nightmares that so
many go through is real. What is also real is just how much that
HURTS.
For many it was not safe to cry as a child. It was not safe to
ever feel or show vulnerability. Remember now, though, you are
older. Now you really do have an opportunity to re-define your
world and the parameters of it. You can make it safe to feel, and
safe to cry.
One of the most surprisingly-wonderful experiences in my entire
recovery from BPD (and it continues to be a remarkable experience
in my over all healing journey as a sexual abuse survivor) has
been the space for joy and peace that grieving, crying and rivers
of tears truly does open up inside of a person. It is difficult to
wade through pain for anyone. But the reward for having the courage
to give yourself the gift of crying out your sorrow awaits you.
Truly on the other side of your rage is your loss. On the other
side of your pain is you joy. On the other side of your agony is
your freedom.
Most borderlines need to cry to experience what it means to be
more fully-human in the big picture of life. Most borderlines need
to cry to recover. Most borderlines need to cry in order to stop
re-punishing themselves for things that were not their fault in the
first place. Most borderlines need to cry to let go of the shame.
Cry.... Let it out. Let it go. Reclaim yourself from the ashes
of your past. Rise like the phoenix that you are. Borderline
Personality Disorder is just that, a disorder. It does not have
to be a life-long cage of agony. You can set yourself free.
Cry......
© Ms. A.J. Mahari - May 11, 2001
as of January 5, 2002
