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The Email:

I think the man I love is Borderline, he has constant mood swings, go into fits of rage, he must control me, he makes all the decisions, he is very insecure and has terrible fears of abandonment. His moods are like being on a rollercoaster ride. He can swing from hyper to depression to rage to normal in one day.

Other than this, he is good to me when I'm with him, but as soon as I leave he gets emotionally attached and usually physically involved with another woman and immediately gets cool with me, only to come back to me, probably when his fits of rage break up the new and more fragile relationship. This unfaithfulness is extremely hard for me to deal with, the only way I am handling it is telling myself it is part of the sickness. He wants me to live with him, and I wonder how do I handle this.

When I don't agree with what he says, he gets angry at me and says I'm arguing with him. Any time I deviate from being a puppet I'm considered arguing with him. It's like there's no reason except what he wants, what he says. I'm in love with him, and although I'm not a stupid person and I do understand self preservation, I'm finding it hard to handle my emotion in this situation, He is a good man, warm and loving and caring, if only he could be good he would be wonderful.And sometimes he is good, but other times he quickly becomes horrid. I'm finding it hard to break away, and I know I can't change him. I wonder, how do I handle this. Everything has to be his way. I would appreciate your reply. Neither of us are young, we are both in our late fifties and both employed.

Name withheld at writer's request

AJ's Response:

It's very hard to speak to your situation because each person handles it differently. Really, I guess you have to decide what you really need. I can only imagine how hard it would be to feel that you can't go on as things are, wish he'd change or contemplate leaving.

You might really benefit from reading the book,

Stop Walking on Eggshells Coping When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger, Larry J. Siever

It was written for those who are not borderline and who are in a relationship with one.

I also have ebooks available that explain BPD for those with it and Nons and 3 ebooks just for non borderlines along with audio programs as well.

Purchase all 3 of ebooks for NON BORDERLINES packaged together with or without audio.

Non Borderlines - You can purchase 6 ebooks packaged together with or without audio.

Those with BPD and/or Non Borderlines can purchase A.J. Mahari's 3 "Core Wound of Abandonment" series ebooks packaged together with or without audio.

Ask yourself if you deserve more than someone who seems not to be able to committ to you and who, from the sounds of what you describe, does not consider anyone else's feelings but his own.

His need to have you agree with everything he thinks or says doesn't sound like a very healthy situation. Because borderline have to defend against so much of what others experience as the give and take and flow of life, many are very narcissistic and between this and defense mechanisms and an inability to really do intimacy in any mature way it sounds as though you are just setting yourself up for fall after fall.

If he does not recognize that he has issues that need his attention and that the way he deals with his mood swings and rages are likely abusive then he is not able to take responsibility for his behaviour. This is not up to you to do either. A non- borderline, such as yourself, cannot hope to have his/her needs met in a relationship where the other party (namely the borderline) is living in his own world with his own rules and not behaving in ways that are deserving of trust, intimacy or perhaps even relating. Having BPD does not give one a license to abuse or to neglect or to be unfaithful.

It sounds as if you are almost making excuses for his shortcomings ascribing them to his illness and then trying to live in a "crazy" universe that is his world to be able to have him in your life. Why? BPD or not, healthy relating cannot come out of such excuse-making. I'm sure he's very good to you in between the abusive and dis-respectful time but is that really enough for you?

Ultimately, what you have to decide is what you deserve and what you need to do for you to be happy. You will not be able to change him.

This response is © A.J. Mahari 2004

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This page/section was moved from Soul's Self-Help Central October 13, 2002 and is © Ms. A.J. Mahari (& (.org) 2000-2007 was last up-dated July 29, 2007