Much is written about the more classic presentation
of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The more
classic presentation more often than not involves
outward raging, projections and "acting out". Acting
out refers to the fact that many borderlines will
act out their pain and visit it on others as opposed
to allowing it to rise to a conscious level within,
feeling it and dealing with it internally.
Then, there is a presentation or variation of BPD,
known as the "Quiet Borderline". A quiet borderline
does not rage or act out.
Anne, a quiet borderline, writes:
"I do not rage or SI (self-injure). I have never been able to
express anger -- my mother simply did not allow it and
I have never found a manner to let it out. I am just
too tightly wound to get angry.
For the most part, I feel utterly alone, empty and
scared. I crave being alone but often end up abusing
prescription meds when I am alone. However, I am
terrified of people and avoid being around them. I
am extremely anxious and frequently depressed.
I feel different--I feel like I am encapsulated. I
am not like other people and do not know or understand
how other people feel. Sometimes I feel like I am
watching life go by, as an outsider. I don't have much
hope of ever feeling normal--I don't know what it means."
As Anne describes many who have BPD and are quiet
borderlines feel a very deep, often, desperate depression.
At the root of so much of BPD, is anger and rage because
it is anger and rage that are summoned up to protect
against the pain. If one is not acting out that anger and
rage (classic borderline presentation) then one is more
likely to have an even more severe depression since,
essentially, depression is anger turned inward.
When Anne speaks of feeling encapsulated and like she
is watching life go by as an outsider what she is
experiencing is known as depersonalization. It is dissociative in nature.
The quiet borderline turns so much in on the absence of self drowning
emotionally on the inside in a rather quiet and often unnoticed way
outwardly.
"Depersonalization is a variety of dissociation in which
one suddenly feels detached from one's own body, sometimes
as if they were observing events from outside themselves. It
can be a frightening feeling, and it may be accompanied by a
lessening of sensory input -- sounds may be muffled, things
may look strange, etc... Some people react to depersonalization
episodes by inflicting physical harm on themselves in an attempt
to stop the unreal feelings, hoping that pain will bring them
back to awareness. This is a common reason for SI in people who
dissociate frequently in other ways."
Source of above quote:
Diagnoses associated with self-injury
Rachel, a quiet borderline, writes:
"There is no question in my mind that I am a "quiet" or
"acting in" borderline. I have always had hatred towards myself.
I felt as though I had the overwhelming power to hurt others and
felt incredibly awful if I perceived that I did hurt someone else.
All I ever wanted was to be loved and taken care of. Because I
couldn't get that, I didn't think I deserved it.
People with depression don't usually self-harm (which I did
on a daily basis), and the self-hatred I felt wasn't like low
self-esteem or even no self esteem. I actually wanted to "kill"
myself - not suicidally - it was more like homicidally. I have
read about many borderlines who when they get angry at someone
else can become almost psychotic. The rage that is directed
outward is incredibly powerful and can almost knock you down.
That same rage in me is directed inwards. I wanted to do horrible
things to myself - violent things. I could never do that to anyone
else. It has only been very recently that I have even had thoughts
like that towards other people. But I would never act on them because
of my intense fear of abandonment. I don't ever want anyone to leave me.
I think that as a general rule, borderlines who act in do all the
same things that "acting out" borderlines do - just to themselves instead
of others. But a borderline is a borderline. We all feel things way
too deeply. I read somewhere that we are like emotional hemophiliacs - that
we have emotions and can't clot them. That's definitely me..."
By
Ace-Jensen (A.J.) Mahari © 2005-2006 
Whether a borderline "acts in" or "acts out" his or her
inner-turmoil and angst the results to the void of self
are the same. A pathological cycle is adhered to in a very
patterned way. The more one "acts in" or "acts out" the more
one's pattern of illogical thoughts or magical thinking will
support the further alienation of the authentic self from
the false self. The quiet borderline, however, may not have
as great a chance of being understood or recognized as the
average borderline does. The quiet borderline is likely more
misunderstood by others (including professionals) than the
classic borderline is. Whether one is high-functioning or not
the quiet borderline suffers in a screamingly-silent kind of way.
Rachel describes a more pronounced fear of abandonment
and rather than act in a way that may lead others to abandon
her, she continues to abandon herself (and her inner child) by
repeatedly being self-abusive and by hating herself. She turns
this fear of abandonment in on herself. Many borderlines, the
acting out borderlines, project this inner conflict out onto
others. In Anne and Rachel's case they, as "acting in" borderlines
experience a much more inwardly focused expression of the borderline
pathology. Rachel would rather continue to abandon herself because
it is familiar to her and expected by her than to have to try to
cope with others abandoning her. This leads an "acting in" borderline
to quietly, yet relentlessly "emotionally" bleed inward, deeper and
deeper on and into that void where one's self needs to be known.
In the absence of knowing that self, the repeated abuse, abandonment
and annihilation of that self, even to the "acting in" borderline
are experienced as being perpetrated upon them by a foreign
persona -- a false self.
The intense fear of abandonment that most borderlines have
can lead them to either "act out" their fear and pain on others
or to "act in" that same fear and pain against the self. One's
authentic self does not have a chance to emerge, mature and
be known to the borderline because the unresolved issues usurp
that authentic self by feeding what is, in many borderlines,
and ever-strengthening false self. The false self perpetuates
the cognitive thought distortions which are fueled largely
by dissociated feelings that are often unknown to the borderline
consciously.
It is all too easy to lump all borderlines together in one
category marked with stereotyping and prejudice. It is important
that we all take a long hard look at this. Borderline Personality
Disorder does not 'play itself out' in the exact same way for all
borderlines. When is the helping profession going to address this?
When are mental health systems going to address the need to recognize
the different presentations of BPD? When will the stereotyped and
feared borderline, "acting out" or quiet be seen for the hurting,
scared, wounded soul that he or she is? Perhaps when this shift is
made more will be able to truly heal?
The quiet borderline is not the traditional borderline. The
quiet borderline is not the feared borderline. These "acting in"
borderlines, however, are hurting themselves at alarming rates
and evening killing themselves. The failures of mental health
systems to adequately address this is yet but one more abandonment
imposed upon the quiet borderline. The quiet borderline is often
not taken seriously enough or heard in time to make a difference.
The word quiet is rather a misnomer in a sense in that
the quiet borderline, the "acting-in" borderline is just as
borderline as the more classic borderline. It is time to recognize this
presentation of BPD for what it is and to take it as seriously as
the classic outward display of BPD. The quiet borderline's suffering
must be given expression in order that lives may be saved and that the
quality of those lives may be drastically improved.
© Ms. A.J. Mahari - July 7, 2000
By
Ace-Jensen (A.J.) Mahari © 2005-2006
as of January 5, 2002
