Rescue me? (A borderline mantra)

So often the demand of the person with Borderline Personality Disorder is, RESCUE ME! Borderlines are seeking the rescue in the here and now that they required in the past. More often than not borderlines seeking to be rescued will manipulate through acting out behavior or through recapitulating past traumatic events, in the here and now. This is a dissociative phenomenon.

In many ways borderlines are very intelligent and capable people -- competent. Then suddenly, they are seemingly helpless and in need of rescue. Often the understanding of what is behind the differences in presentation is as much a mystery to the borderline as it is to those around him/her.

Manipulating to be rescued speaks also to the relational style of those with BPD. They will relate like "top dog" one minute and like a total "under dog" the next. There is little to no in between.

The borderline world is made up of polar opposites, of the black and the white. Therefore the borderline is either better than you, stronger than you, above you, or he/she is less than you, weaker than you, beneath you, in his/her perceptions.

The inherent struggle for an autonomy that terrifies the borderline (subconsciously they often become their own worst enemies--their own abusers once removed from their actual past abusers --therefore they do not trust their own autonomy and personal power any more than that of their abusers) sees many a borderline attempt to take personal responsibility only to turn on a dime, dump it and ask someone else to take it, hold it and deal with it. This is part of seeking to be rescued not only from the past but also from themselves. Add to this that most borderlines (in the early stages of recovery) do not know who they are. This is another scary part of why they are so willing to abdicate to you or anyone else that will take control. But, the second you take control the borderline will balk at that and attempt to win control back. If they get it back they'll hate that too and throw it back at you.

Borderlines seeks to be rescued because emotionally they are still very young. They may intellectually have the where-with-all of an adult but not emotionally.

A big part of shirking one's own personal responsibility and "collapsing" to be rescued is motivated by the borderline's inability to hold (deal with and cope with) his/her own feelings, and emotions. Feelings and emotions often give rise to a panic that leaves a borderline feeling very unsafe and unsure and increases his/her overall need to be taken care of.

A borderline will only crave to be rescued until you are seen to pass the rescuing test. Once you commit yourself to engaging this aspect of borderline drama you will find that what you are met with is anger or rage at the prospect that somehow you know better than the borderline does.

In the arena of a borderline seeking to be rescued anyone else in that person's life will be walking ever so gently on the most maddening egg-shells at this point.

If one continues to be manipulated into providing rescue for a borderline not only will that person be confused, hurt and no doubt angry (sooner or later) but the borderline once again gets to side-step what is most needed in order to attain some recovery.....the accepting of personal responsibility.

Easy for me to say right now....not easy for a borderline to read but if you have a borderline in your life the best thing you can do (in the long run) for both yourself and your borderline is NOT engage in any rescuing activity/behavior. This too, of course will be met with rage. You will get rage no matter what you do until the borderline learns to feel what hurts so badly.

If you are borderline and you don't know how to be alone, or how to feel your own feelings or meet your own needs you are likely engaging somewhere in your life in demanding rescue from others. Clearly, you need to know that this behavior will almost always result in the alienation of that person from you. (sooner or later). Seeking to be rescued is not the answer. You do not need rescue anymore. If you are borderline, what you need is to find yourself and to take care of yourself by yourself.

If you are borderline and you seek rescue you are not being honest with yourself or with anyone else. Lack of honesty is another thing that drives people away.

© Ms. A.J. Mahari - July 19, 1999