Borderline Fear

A Roller-Coaster Ride

At the heart of much of BPD is fear. Fear of getting to know oneself and fear of what one feels. Much of borderline fear is irrational in the here and now. A look at fear and BPD.

If you have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or you know, work with, live with and or love someone who does life can be quite the roller-coaster ride.

Why is this? One could argue the explanation is long, complex, and involved. Yet, simply stating the obvious might be beneficial also. The roller-coaster ride that most borderlines know so well has all to do with their inability to maintain stable moods. Moods shift as feelings shift and feelings shift as thoughts are processed. If one ruminates upon any one thought, or group of thoughts, one will prolong a mood. If one dwells more heavily upon one's feelings the result can often be a myriad of reactions. Fear is at the base of most of what a borderline feels. Fear that he/she is out of control or will lose control. Fear that he/she is not liked. Fear that he/she is not being heard and the damage and or aggravation that can cause. Fear that he/she will be triggered by the slightest thing back to a very painful aspect of development gone asunder. Fear that he/she is not normal. Fear that no one will ever like, love or value him/her, and so on. For many with BPD their fear is not rational. Their fear is not of what is actually unfolding in the present as much as it is of old wounds and scars.

Borderlines react to their fears, not unlike most people, through the use of defense mechanisms. Many of these defense mechanisms are "child-like" and or primitive. They throw people off guard because these defense mechanisms in action are usually far more intense than any given situation calls for to those who are not borderline.

Defense mechanisms such as splitting, projection, ttransference and the like become second nature to the borderline. These are the methods, or behaviors through which borderlines seek to appease their many fears. Within the drama that the cognitive distortions fuel with this personality disorder misconceptions and misperceptions are the rule not the exception. Herein lies the roller-coaster reality of BPD and of the fear of the unknown.

Much is unknown for many borderlines. Much of what most adults without BPD know, understand or have experienced, especially in the context of relationships is not well-understood by most borderlines.

Fear is a powerful motivator. For many who end up diagnosed with BPD they have good reason to be harbouring the fears that they have. The problem with harbouring these fears and with trying to cope with them through an elaborate and multifacted system of defense mechanisms is that it separates those with BPD from those who do not have BPD. This is true in terms of perception, often in terms of functionality (again especially in relationship context).

The more a borderline pushes away what he/she needs the more he/she will fuel their fears. The more he/she fuels his/her fears the more need their seems to be get relief from all of the things that one feels in the pain that it means to have BPD. The self-fulling prophecy that is often a reality for borderlines sees them (usually without consciously knowing it) continuously make the same choices in the ways in which they react to stress, pressure, socialization and so forth. The same choices and reactions bring with them, constantly, repetitively, the same end outcomes.

Borderline fear is a roller-coaster roaring around the same loops of track, over and over again, seemingly endlessly. No one wants to live with this kind of pain. It is difficult for many to see that they have the choice to face their fears and to put an end to the looping roller-coaster of fear.

Borderline fear is not the same as everyday fear. It is often obsessive, perfectionistic protection from further pain (which is unrealistic) and it takes on a life of its own. To ride this roller-coaster from the inside, as a borderline, was the singlemost painful thing I ever experienced with only one exception, that of being sexually abused.

If your life is a train travelling a railway track imagine the life of the borderline whose life is a roller-coaster looping in circles coming ever so close to derailing time after time. Whether one has BPD or not, it is up to each one of us to be the conductor of the train that is our life and to learn how to navigate our way across the tracks of life.

The way to end the roller-coaster ride of BPD is to face what you fear you most and to allow yourself to express your feelings about that fear in healthy and productive ways.

There is a difference between fear for the sake of it, fear that is being re-lived from the past, illogical fear, and "healthy-fear."

Change your thoughts first. Your feelings will follow in time. In my experience trying to do the other way around does not work. Feel your fear and be determined to walk through it with courage. Learn to differentiate between the roller-coaster producing thought-patterns and the freeing thought patterns. The choice is clearly yours. You can live your life in fear. Or, you can face your fear, feel your feelings and release yourself (with the help of a competent therapist) from the emotional prison of BPD.

© Ms. A.J. Mahari - November 11, 2000

as of January 5, 2002