D.E.A.R. M.A.N. - Interpersonal Effectiveness

Codependence

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me

Deciding on intensity

It is important to figure out how intense you should make a request (asking) or how intensly you should refuse someone else's request (say no). In order to do this, there are several things (factors) to consider. These are summarized in Interpersonal Effectiveness 6.

Basically, the more factors you have in a situation, the more intense your request should be. The fewer factors the less intense your request.

Situations where you are Asking for something or saying NO.

Cirlce Yes or No and then total the YES's or NO's this will give you the intensity rating that will help guide you in acting out what you would like to say.

Factors to consider

1. Priorities:

• Objectives - very important? Increase intensity
• Relationship - vey tenuous? Consider reducing intensity
• Self-respect - on the line? Intensity should fit values

2. Capability:

Is the person able to give me what I want? If YES, raise the intensity of asking. Do I have what the person wants? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.

3. Timeliness:

Is this a good time to ask? Is person in the mood for listening and paying attention to me? Am I catching the person when he or she is likely to say yes to my request? If YES, raise the intensity of asking. Is this a bad time to say no? Should I hold off answering for a while? If NO, raise the intensity of NO.

1. CAPABILITY

Does the person have what you want? (asking) YES NO. Does I have what the other person wants? (saying no)

2. TIMELINESS

Is this a good time to ask? Is the other person in a good mood, paying attention, likely to say yes?(asking) YES NO Is this a bad time to say no? (saying no)

3. HOMEWORK

Do I know all the facts?, Is my goal clear? Is my request clear (asking) YES NO Is the other person's request clear? (saying no)

4. AUTHORITY

Am I responsible for directing this person? (asking) YES NO. Does the person have the authority to ask me to do what they are requesting? (saying no)

5. RIGHTS

Is the other person required (by law or moral code) to give me what I want? (asking) YES NO

Am I required to give this person what she is asking for? Does saying no violate her rights? (saying no)

6. RELATIONSHIP

Is what I want appropriate to our relationship? (asking) YES NO. Is this request appropriate to our relationship? (saying no)

7. RECIPROCITY

Have I done at least as much for the other person as I am requesting? Am I willing to give if the other person says yes? (asking) YES NO.

Does this person give me alot? Do I owe this person? (saying no)

8. GOALS

Would being submissive result in peace now, but create problems in the long run? (asking) YES NO.

Is short term peace more important that the long term health of the relationship? (saying no)

9. RESPECT

Am I careful to avoid acting helpless when this is not the case? Do I usually do things for myself? (asking) YES NO

Will saying no result in me feeling badly about myself? Does wise mind say yes? (saying no)

SUM OF RESPONSES: YES NO (ASKING) OR YES NO (TO SAYING NO OR NOT)

What ever you got as the sum for the above factors will determine the intensity rating that will help you to decide how to handle the particular situation that you find yourself in.

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Punishment and Revenge in Borderline Personality Disorder – A Borderline Asks, Why Do I Punish?

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HIGH INTENSITY: TRY AND CHANGE THE SITUATION

Total of YES for asking           Intensity Rating      Total for NO to say NO

Ask firmly, insist                         6
Refuse firmly, don't give in


Ask firmly, resist no                      5
Refuse firmly, resist giving in


Ask firmly, take no                        4
Refuse firmly, but reconsider


Ask tentatively, take no                   3
Express unwillingness


Hint openly, take no                       2
Express unwillingness, but say yes


Hint indirectly, take no                   1
Express hesitancy, say yes


Don't ask, don't hint                      0
Do what other wants without being asked

IF LOW INTENSITY: ACCEPT THE SITUATION AS IT IS

In this and following sessions we will be covering skills for enhancing each type of effectiveness.

• 1. Objectives Effectiveness Skills (using skills to get what you want)
• 2. Relationship Effectiveness Skills (using skills to maintain/improve a relationship)
• 3. Self Respect Effectiveness Skills (using skills to maintain your self-respect)

These skills can help you:

• 1. Take care of your relationships
• 2. Balance priorities (your needs) with other's demands (other's needs)
• 3. Balance wants (things that you want to do) with shoulds (things you ought to do)
• 4. Build mastery and self respect

In order to learn these skills it is very important that you PRACTICE THEM. There will be lots of opportunity to practice the skills in the sessions. You will also need to practice the skills outside of sessions. If something arises where you can ask for something, or say no....do so and try to use your skills. If nothing arises in your daily life, you need to dream up situations where you can practice. That is, do not wait for a situation where you can practice, actively search out situations.

DEAR MAN

D Describe the situation


     
 when necessary - sometimes it isn't
     
 stick to the facts
     
 no judgmental statements


"I've been working here for 2 years now and haven't 
recieved a raise, even though my preformance reviews have always 
been positive"



"This is the third time this week that you've asked me for a 
ride home."



E Express feelings/opinions about the situation 
clearly


     
· describe how you feel or what you believe about the 
       situation
     
· don't expect the other person to read your mind or 
       know how you feel
     
· give a brief reason for making your request



"I believe that I deserve a raise."

"I'm getting home so late that it is really hard for me 
and my family. But I also really enjoy giving you rides home, 
and it is hard for me to say no."



A Assert wishes


     
 Ask for what you want
     
 Say no clearly
     
 Don't expect the other person to know what you want 
       them to do if you don't tell them 
       (don't expect them to mind read)
     
 Don't tell others what they "should" do
     
 Don't beat around the bush...Just bite the bullet 
       and ask, or say no



"I would like a raise. Can you give it to me?

"But I have to say no tonight. I can't give you a ride 
home so often."



R Reinforce


     
 Reward people who respond positively to you when you ask 
       for something, say no or 
       express an opinion
     
 Sometimes it helps to reinforce people before they respond 
       to your question by 
       telling them the positive effects of getting what you 
       want or need.
     
 the basic idea here is that if people do not gain form 
       complying with a request, at 
       least some of the time, they may stop responding in a 
       positive way

"I will be alot happier and probably more productive if I get a salary that reflects my value to the company.

"

"Thanks for being so understanding. I really appreciate it."

M Stay Mindful

• Keep your focus on your objectives in the situation
• Maintain your position
• Don't be distracted on to another topic

Two helpful techniques for staying mindful

1. Broken Record
• Keep asking, saying no or expressing your opinion...over and over and over
• You just don't have to think up something new each time, just keep saying the exact same thing
• Keep a mellow tone of voice....your strength comes from maintaining your position

2. Ignore

• If the other person attacks, threatens or tries to change the subject, ....IGNORE, the threats comments or efforts to divert you. Just keep making your point.
• If you respond to these attacks, you have allowed the other person to take control of the situation
• If you want to deal with the attacks...deal with them in another discussion

A Appear Confident

• confident tone of voice
• confident physical manner
• appropriate eye contact
• no stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, etc...

How confident to act in a situation is a judgement call. There is a fine line between appearing arrogant, and appearing too apologetic.

N Negotiate

• be willing to give to get
• offer and ask for alternate solutions
• reduce your request
• maintain your no, but offer to do something else or solve the problem another way




A helpful skill here is "turning the tables." Turn the problem over to the other person, ask for alternative solutions.

"What do you think we can do." "I am not able to say yes, but you really seem to want me to. What can we do here?"

"How can we solve this problem"

Using DEAR MAN skills in really difficult situations.

Some people have really good skills themselves, and keep refusing your legitimate requests, or pestering you to do something you don't want to do.

*Use the same "DEAR MAN" skills, Change the focus to the current interaction.

1. D Describe the current interaction.

• "You keep asking me over and over again even though I have already said no."
• Avoid blaming the other person...i.e. don't say "you just don't want to hear me"

2. E Express your opinions/feelings of discomfort about the interaction

• I'm not sure that you understand what I am asking"
• I'm starting to feel angry about this."

3. A Assert your wishes

• when the other person is refusing a request, suggest that you put off the conversation to another time
• give the person another chance to think about it
• when the other person is pestering you, ask them to stop

4. R Reinforce

• when saying no to someone who keeps asking....suggest that you end the conversation because you aren't going to change your mind anyway




Source: Marsha Linehan, Dialectical Skills Training (DBT)



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Last up-dated February 3, 2010