ugh! Exasperated noise! I wish i could quit pulling out my hair!
It totally feels compulsive. When i'm not pulling, i just yearn to be
Then I pull, and i feel better for a hundredth of a second, and
then i want to pull again. This behavior also makes me feel out of
control, gross, dirty. And, of course I worry that i am going to get
bald spots. I do have one now. I have been doing it since i was 11
years old, now i am 32. The last 5 years have gotten worse again, i'm
not sure why.
Purpose? I think it eases my anxiety some. I notice when i drink
coffee, it is worse. Or when i don't exercise it's worse. But like
all my OCD stuff, i think it's root is in fear. Like i'm afraid to
sit quietly with myself. If i'm counting, or spelling, or pulling
out my hair, i feel like i'm controlling part of my environment.
The longest i've stopped for (in the past five years) was six days.
It was so hard, i had withdrawal symptoms, it felt like I was like
withdrawing from a drug.
I am so sick of it. Sometimes at home i wear a hat and that helps.
Compulsive behavior, Oh Yeah I have compulsive behavior. I have a
variety of compulsive behaviors that are all related to my emotional
needs. I use compulsive behaviors to numb my feelings and to fill up
my emptiness in my heart. I overeat or binge eat to deal with
anger(Chewy foods) and to fill up the empty feeling inside of
myself(Sweets, chocolate, breads). I feel better while I am stuffing
my mouth with food but the feeling quickley turns to self-hatred for
not controling myself . I also go shopping to help to fill my
emptiness inside. When I buy a new book, shirt, nail polish, or
whatever the empty feeling subsides for a while until the guilt sets
in. Then I feel more self hatred for being selfish and purchasing
somethinig for myself. I also sometimes hurt myself and have a
compulsive need to hurt myself as a way to punish myself or to numb
painful feelings. When I cut myself, it numbs or takes away the
inner pain that eats away at my heart and soul. It can also serve as
a punishment for myself for being bad. I realize that this is all
distorted thinking but it is unfortunately the only way that I can
cope at this point with my painful feelings. The pain is like a
weight that sits on my chest and makes it heard for me to breathe.
The pain also sits in my head and torments me with depressed thoughts
and is like an everpresent monster in myu mind. I know that this
pain will not go away until I dewal with it; but, I do not know how
to deal with this pain.
One definition of compulsion is "an irresistible impulse to perform an
irrational act." One compulsion that has plagued me for the past few
years relates to attributing human feelings to inanimate objects.
I'm not sure how to explain the behavior but can offer an example. If I
were to unwrap a piece of gum away from home, I might be reluctant to
discard the wrapper right away but would wad it up and keep it in my
pocket for awhile until I felt right about disposing of it (probably at
home). I know this sounds irrational but my reason for not disposing of
the wrapper is that I would feel sorry for the wrapper - alone,
abandoned, scared in some strange place - even though I know that an
object really doesn't have feelings like this.
Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all to throw something away and I
don't hoard anything. The item can be tiny (like a fingernail clipping)
or larger (like a cardboard drink tray from a fast food place). These
compulsions seem to last for several days and then subside for awhile.
I haven't figured out what I get out of this compulsion except anxiety
over having it. A psych doctor told me that it's because I'm lonely but
that explanation does not satisfy me. Haven't figured out yet how to
stop the behavior.
You have just reminded me of something i used to do in
school when i was about 7 or 8. I would pick up all
the little bits of rubbish, paper, staples etc that
were on our class room floor and hide them under the
carpet so that the teacher couldn't throw them out
because i felt sorry for them. She caught me once- she
probably thought i was crazy. I don't do it anymore-
so i guess i just grew out of it and i haven't thought
about it since. I know it's not really the same thing
that you're tlaking about, but thought i'd share it
with you anyway.
It was interesting to read about your compulsion. I think I have a
similar thing, but it has to do more with plants and animals. I really
have a hard time with anything that is alive. When my husband wants
me to get rid of potted plants, it just cannot throw them away - its
like killing. The same thing with animals. When I am away from home
I worry about them and hope they are ok and worry about them being
lonely and abandoned. I know this isnt exactly like inanimate objects,
but I felt the same feelings you felt and feel an understanding with
you (my husband just thinks I am looney), Thanks for sharing - it
helped me get in touch with another one of my not so healthy behaviors.
I am not sure I want to get over it.
One of the many abbreviations I was once labelled with before BPD
was OCD. I accepted that for a brief time but since learning more
about myself and about BPD, I see that a diagnosis of OCD is not
appropriate. But I can certainly see how the doctor who gave it got
the idea to do so.
My most obsessive-compulsive behavior is changing clothes. I
change my clothes probably about 15 to 20 times a day. Socks and
underwear too. I rarely ever go through an entire morning to night
period with the same outfit on. Today I woke up and put on a thin
yellow and blue dress my mother gave me about five years ago. About
an hour later, I changed to a purple and white striped tshirt with my
burgundy skirt. Then, I changed into my boxer shorts my fiancee bought
for me about an hour after my second change. Then, Bill (my fiancee
and I) went out briefly and I wore my blue overalls. When I got back
home I changed again, into a yellow sweater and back to my boxer
shorts. Then I showered around five and changed into a tank top and
back to my skirt...and then this evening back to my shorts and yellow
sweater and now I am wearing my nightshirt. I've gone through three
pairs of undies, two pairs of socks and two bras today. All of this is
now in the laundry hamper, and tomorrow an equal amount or more will
join it there. You can guess my laundry hamper gets full quite
fast, and yes, I use coin operated washing machines and dryers. It's
very expensive, but I don't purposely do this as anyone here with
obsessive-compulsive tendencies will understand.
This is one of the things I was doing when I was in the hospital
during my teen years. Another (which I do much less now) is countings,
usually with my fingers. So I wasn't surprised when that doctor chose
OCD as a label for me. As for impulsive, like others here have written,
my biggie there is buy, buy, buy and spend, spend, spend....but I
don't know how much of that I attribute to being mentally questionable
and how much is socialized ~ girls in this culture are conditioned to
shop I think. I am not sure how it is for men, I am not male and don't
understand most of my male friends
This is a good topic. My compulsion is that everything has to be in it's
place. If it's not, I don't know where it is and that makes me feel
Also I do things a certain way and it is very difficult to sit back and
let someone else do something for me. Like with my boyfriend. We have an
agreement that if I cook, he washes the dishes and vice versa. You
should see me fidget over this. If we lived together I think it would be
easier but we don't so when he is at my house I have to hold myself in
so I don't get nit picky at him.
This is also very difficult for me in a work situation. I am not what I
would consider a good team player because I prefer to do things my own
way. Just tell me what you want and I'll do it. Don't confuse me with a
bunch of details I don't need. Too much input stresses me out and I have
a hard time filtering the fluff. It's not that I don't place any merit
in anyone else's method, it's just that I don't always understand their
approach. I am way too anal about doing everything a certain way.