Doug's Response to "Lonely Me"

I would like to respond to your question.

I used to participate a lot on this list, but my life has been comparatively calm for the past year, and I have been getting along pretty well with my BPD ex, the mother of my little girl. I have been dealing well with her, and maintaining healthy boundaries in order to prevent her illnesses from negatively affecting my life.

Perhaps that is why I feel inclined to address your question. I feel that I have come a long way in dealing with these issues, and there's always benefit in passing along what one has learned, to the extent that someone else may perhaps benefit from it. So I offer this, for what it's worth.

It seems that you already know the answer to your question. You can continue to love your BPD and stay with him, or you can choose to leave and move on. Indeed, you can even continue to love him and still end the relationship anyway, which was essentially what I did.

The truth is that you cannot change your BP. No matter how hard you try, or how much you want him to change, you cannot force him to. He knows the truth, and he has the power to choose to do something about his diagnosis and condition. That choice is his to make; no one can force it upon him.

As the old adage goes, you can lead a horse to water - you can even splash some on his face or in his mouth - but nothing you can do can force him to drink. Some horses stubbornly refuse to drink, even when they know that they are thirsty.

So all you can do is decide what is right for you. You cannot assume that he will change; he may, he may not. The question is, can YOU live with him if he doesn't? Or will it just result in an ongoing roller coaster ride, with you hanging on and hoping the ride stops or the motion of the roller coaster changes?

This is just a microcosm of the reality that we cannot change others. We are each responsible for our own conduct, and our own feelings. If we choose to remain in a relationship with someone whom we know has a serious problem, that is a legitmate choice, but it must be made consciously, with acceptance of the range of possible consequences.

That is just taking care of yourself, which is the only thing over which you really have control.

There is an old colloquial definition of insanity that we have all heard, but it is useful here. The saying has to do with doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting a different result. This is not a healthy thing to do, if there is little or no chance that the result will change, and we cannot live with the result that continues to ensue.

I am not saying that you are doing this, but I did this for several years.

So again, we just have to accept what is so, accept that it may or may not change, and determine if it is acceptable to us if the situation does not change. If the answer is that it is not acceptable, then we must move on.

Easier said than done, I know. It took me a couple of years to finally terminate the relationship with my ex, and I struggled with these issues the entire time.

Now that I have grasped these issues, they all seem so simple and crystal clear. But, as the popular Indigo Girls song says, "the hardest to learn is the least complicated."

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do. Just make sure that, whatever you decide, it is actually a conscious choice, made with awareness.

Doug

Eric's Response

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