Responses of adult-children with a parent with Borderline Personality
Disorder to questions about ending the relationship
Given that you are the adult-child of someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder (and you likely can't or don't
want to leave or end the relationship like a spouse may
how would you respond, based upon your experience to the following
questions:
1) How do you end a relationship with a Borderline?
I did not - she did, when I revealed her scheme to attempt to
have her 6th husband declared incompetent. I told his family and
him. She had huge rages, continues to, and husband 6 is angry with
me also. My husband is an attorney and she was claiming that he was
helping her (NOT) and that we saw him being confused with alzheimers
(NOT) - I would do it again if placed in the same position.
2) Has anyone "left" - ended a relationship with a Borderline
parent?
My brother and sister have. They call her by her first name,
and refuse to take her calls, mail, etc.
3) If so, how did you do that? What has been the
outcome/benefit for you?
My brother just stopped taking her calls, etc. My sister did
same. Many reasons, the lying, they have children they wanted to
protect, and just plain out being too busy to deal with her lies and
manipulation.
4) Even if this is not what you have personally chosen in your
life, what advice would you give someone wanting/needing
to end a relationship with a Borderline Parent?
I remember being around 15 yrs or so, and beginning to feel sick
when I was ever around her. I continued to blame myself, I am bad,
terrible, stupid, awful. She told me many times she hates me and
sorry I was born. I continued to just need someone to want me, and
let her do, say, act out however she needed just so one day she
might love me. I hear this is a common thread.
My advice to anyone is to get help and cut ties. Don't wait. Don't
cut ties meanly or hateful or "tell all". Just explain you need to
be independent for a while, and that is all. Don't wait another
second or allow this person to do to you what I allowed for years.
The shame only gets worse, and the low self-esteem from not taking
control of your only life only gets lower. Everyone deserves a
chance to live without being villainized and hated, especially by
one's on parent, sibling, spouse, or child.
I know that is strong, but if I had to do it all over again, I would
have run away around 14 or so, and never looked back.
39 Female, White, Mother BPD, and father bipolar schizophrenic.
1) How do you end a relationship with a Borderline?
I have no answer to that,I keep my mother at a distance by letting her know
that itīs now up to me to make the rules if we are to have any relationship at
all in the future.Sometimes I donīt hear from her in weeks,sometimes she calls
every second day or so to talk to her grandchildren. If I feel weakened (I had
a baby about a month ago and have felt under the weather for a couple of weeks)
I let my husband do the talking, heīs an excellent negotiator. I just feel anxious
when I hear her voice if Iīm generally feeling weak or sad.
But I think that a clean break is the best way, just let them know why you
canīt deal with them any longer. Many BPD's, at least the high-functional kind
(like my mom) wonīt face the fact that they are indeed mentally ill until they
are confronted.
2) Has anyone "left" - ended a relationship with a Borderline
parent?
Not entirely,I feel too guilty to do that yet. I know Iīm too soft at times,
but, she always promises to behave, respect us and/or starts to cry and tells
me how much she loves me and misses me. I have a hard time being consequent then...
3) If so, how did you do that? What has been the
outcome/benefit for you?
3.I honestly donīt know if I would benefit from breaking our relation altogether
or if it is best for me to just keep it the way it is today, i.e, keeping her at a
distance and just talk every now and then. She has partner and I guess sheīll marry
him eventually (apparently he can stand her since they have been together for 2 years
now, and actually, I think he has a soothing effect on her for some reason, maybe
she subcousciously knows that she has to restrain herself in order to keep him).
So I donīt feel that guilty for "abandoning" her any longer. Sheīs also less jealous
and donīt need that much attention any longer.
Funny as it may seem, she has always preached the importance of NOT being clingy
or afraid of abandonment.
4) Even if this is not what you have personally chosen in your
life, what advice would you give someone wanting/needing
to end a relationship with a Borderline Parent?
4.Be sure that this is what you want and listen to your heart, you will probably
know whatīs right for you. Be honest to the parent.
Cecilia
The best advice I've ever been given is to recognize
that if/when you decide to break off the relationship,
allow yourself the grieving process... denial, anger,
depression, acceptance. I know somewhere in there is
supposed to be bargaining, and I'm not sure if those
are in the right order, but it's true. I haven't
chosen to do so with my mother yet, but I've noticed
that other people that I know that have chosen to,
have had a hard time with expecting that once that
decision is made and carried out, that there would be
this huge weight lifted and life would just be
simpler. While that is true on some levels, the only
way to truly be done and able to move on to deal with
the personal aftermath of having grown up the way we
have is to really grieve.
For myself, someone who hasn't chosen to break it off
yet, I've had to let myself go thru that process over
the knowledge that I will never have any more than
what I have from her right now. I've had to make sure
that I don't NEED from her, I've had to go thru this
process, am going thru this process and have to make
sure that I am progressing in this process. I have
had to make sure that I don't get bogged down in one
part or another. that i don't let myself stay angry
or depressed. I had the hardest time getting out of
the bargaining phase. I kept thinking, if she would
just say this or do this than I wouldn't need that.
It's funny... i just found myself typing out an
apology of sorts (I deleted it of course) saying that
I'm sorry if this wasn't what you were asking.. etc.
etc. I'm so programmed to be sorry before there is
anything to be sorry about. Especially since you're
never really sure if there is a hidden agenda in the
question asked from a BPD or if it's really straight
forward. The few times I've posted here, each time
I've observed more and more things that I do or say,
or the way I say them.. I'm always covering my ass.
And the funny thing is, it doesn't matter if you
cover your ass with a BPD, you're going to be wrong
anyway!
Cassia
1) How do you end a relationship with a Borderline?
1) By setting up boundaries, witch is a personal thing - everyone has
their own boundaries.
2) Has anyone "left" - ended a relationship with a Borderline
parent?
2) I did end my relationship - I did not say to her that I am ending
this - I told her that if she would not accept my boundaries I would
not be able to be in touch with her.
3) If so, how did you do that? What has been the
outcome/benefit for you?
3) The benefits for me in my life have been that I have been able to
grow as a person more than I ever have during my life time and I am 39
years old now.
4) Even if this is not what you have personally chosen in your
life, what advice would you give someone wanting/needing
to end a relationship with a Borderline Parent?
4) If you fear quilt, leave it up to them, set boundaries so high that
they will not be able to do it. You will have to change your own
values, understand that it is not wrong to live a life of your own and
I recommend that you will do all you can for yourself, find a
therapist, be active in these kinds of groups, read/study about BPD
for your own sake and be gentle to yourself.
BM
1) How do you end a relationship with a Borderline?
1. I cannot, at the moment, say how to end a relationship with a BPD parent.
In my case, only time will tell of my success or failure.
2) Has anyone "left" - ended a relationship with a Borderline
parent?
2. My siblings and I are attempting to end the relationship with our BPD mother.
This process has been ongoing for 6 months.
3) If so, how did you do that? What has been the
outcome/benefit for you?
3. Our father died 10 months ago. Mother's problems escalated with his death.
Just prior to and after our father's death Mother continuously vilified and told
painful, outrageous lies about her children. When not lying about her children she
told anyone who would listen, strangers included, how much much she was about to
inherit or had inherited. My siblings and I walked away from Mother just a few
days after our father's funeral.
After a month, Mother contacted me and begged forgiveness from her children (actually,
she needed our help in building/setting up her new home). The terms were that we
would help her but she had to stop lying about her children and that she had to
retract the lies she has told about her children just prior to and after our father's
death. She agreed. We spent 6-8 weeks helping her (she lives in another state) and
during that time she gave us property and money.
She decided to get help for her 44 year narcotics addiction. We "catered" to her while
she was in rehab and continued to work on her property. We had an agreement that if
she wanted her children in her life, she must complete her program. As soon as the
house was ready for move in, she signed herself out of the rehab facility against
medical and psychiatric advice. We walked away as agreed (she did not hold up her
side of the first agreement either..........she did not retract the lies and continued
to lie). Now she is suing us for the return of the property on grounds of "acts of
ingratitude" and has accused us of "stealing" money, emotional abuse (no contact with
her) and even physical abuse, etc. etc. I believe that the lawsuit is her only
"tether" to her children, much to the detriment of all. This issue is not about property
or money, the issue is about her abandonment, which she fears and then ultimately creates.
We are hoping and praying that once the lawsuit is over, that we can truly be free of
our BPD mother. I fear, though, that later she may resort to other drastic means to
create a thread of connection in a further attempt to control and manipulate her children.
It is important to note that my brother removed himself emotionally from mother several
years before our father died. As a result, Mother viciously slandered and vilified him
in their community and continues to do so. He is the only sibling living in close
proximity. The rest of us live in other states.
4) Even if this is not what you have personally chosen in your
life, what advice would you give someone wanting/needing
to end a relationship with a Borderline Parent?
4. My advice is to break the ties as early as possible. Get good counseling for
as long or as often throughout life as needed. Don't second guess your own judgment
and don't allow the BPD parent to separate you emotionally from your siblings or
close, supportive relatives.Take care of yourself. Don't be taken in by whatever
tool is used by the BPD parent to "rein you back in". Create your own family with
your siblings or other family members who have also decided to walk away.
Parent yourself and each other. Be forewarned of all possible repercussions, i.e.,
vengeful or harmful acts by the BPD directed at you. That is, be prepared for clever
and painful manipulation.
In addition, referring to the parent by their first name helps to eliminate the
expectation that is implied by a parental title.
