I was reading some of the other Non BPD experiences here and trust me I did not have the heart to read them all. In fact, I could not read more than a couple.

Some are mild experinces (or at least described in a mild way) others were somewhat the true expression of how I once felt and still feel it.

The extent of the suffering, the distortion of thoughts, the painfully horrible memories, and yet my inability to decide, to come to a any definite conculsion and move on.

I end up asking myself.. Why me? Why me? I only truely loved her and cared for her. There is nothing in the world humanly possibly that I would not have done for her. I cherished her so much. She made me happy, She made me feel important and complete, she filled the missing pieces of my heart. Was I just attracted toward her? Was I just having a mere physical attraction towards her? NO.. She was as beautiful as beautiful can be, and she was as low and horrible as she could be also. When she showered me with love there was nothing more beautiful than that. When she hated me there was nothing more painful than that.

The funniest thing is, it has been over 2 months now, and I still feel the pain, the pain that could make me bitterly cry in the loneliness of the dark night, in the silence of a pleasant evening. I held her up, I did so much for her, did she just abused it?

I feel so many different things. Sometimes I terribly miss her, just miss holding her in my arms as if she were a baby and I were that proud strong daddy, just holding her close to my heart, and hugging her. And at other times I feel frightened and horrified of what she has done to me. She has completely drained me of life, friends, and simple pleasures in life. I am no more me. I no more know what I am or what I want. I no more understand the significance of life and friends and simple things in life. I no more feel any interest whatsoever in life.

I have been reading about BPD for over a month now, gone through many sites, read lot of experiences, and there is nothing in the world that gives me some consolation. Why not?

I look at her, imagine her being happy now, making new friends, living a new life, starting all over again as if she were just born, and I feel totally the opposite. How can someone be so cruel, give you hope, develop a relationship with you for 2 years, and just abandon you, and stop thinking about you, or even if they do think about you, it's only for few minutes, and then they just move on, and you on the other hand, feel so miserable, non- functional and insignificant?

Why me?

Life is hard enough with the constant struggle for survival, fear of losing loved ones, and making your way through the selfish people around you, and when someone you love so much just lets you down and doesn't even feel sorry for it, it makes life unworthy, meaningless and clueless.

What can I call her, my blue fairy, my sweet treasure, the love of my heart, my dream girl, my princess.. or my hell angel, my disaster, my failure, my theif?

In the couse of discovering myself, in the course of finding some means to survive, I have come across various sides of my problems. Maybe I was weak? Maybe I was too dependant? Maybe I need to set my own boundaries, but it's not as simple as it sounds. We all when fall in love become vulnerable. You cannot enjoy the pleasures of love without giving in. People with BPD, do nothing but win your trust first, only to satisfy their egos. They win your trust, they seem to love you like they truely love you, and then it becomes a power game. They want to win every argument. The bipolar kind of swinging moods and expressions, the insecurities in relating start to show up. You don't believe anything at first. You want to make it work. You truely love that person, but, in fact, your love is their game. The more you love, the better they play it. The more you sacrifice the worse it gets. Knowing that you are there for them, they move on, knowing they have you to fall back if they do fall back, they fall back and you hold them, thank you and then jump again, jump higher, overcoming their deficiences and you just stand their waiting for that person to either fall back for you to catch, or slide down their hand to pull you up.

They never come -- and -- you never leave. What they do up there? You will never find out. Is BPD, no matter how recognized an illness, only an illness, worst sort of mental sickness? Or is it a character fault? To use sex as a means to overcome your brain, to over power your personality, to dig a slight hole in your brain and suck the blood so gradually, that it's not even noticed produces the strange results your body is theirs but your brain has no blood. Now you are miserable, unhealthy to be around, too dependant to be liked, too needy to be appreciated and too empty to be of any worth -- TRASHED.

And they sure move on, move on to what? I dont know.. Nobody knows. Everything in their lives is all of a sudden alright, new friends, new parties, new romance, and everything is better than it was with you. Nothing once mattered when she was with you. What is it supposed to mean anymore? Anything?

That is my experience of living with a BPD, loving her to death, being always there for her, and putting up with rages, anger, selfishness, verbal and emotional abuse. I never harmed anyone in my life. I was always nice with everyone. Now I have no life, nothing appeals me, not even another woman, I have lost it all.

It's been 2 months. I am getting better. I'm trying to move on or walk like a man with no legs, just dragging myself towards the end, knowing I will burn out long before that. What can I really share with anyone? My friends can't understand. They think it's just a story of a bad relationship, and I should simply move on, but nothing is same anymore. I have lost other loved ones before, I miss them but I have never felt so hurt by them. I wish good for those people. But my BPD fairy, I can't hate her, and I can't even love her anymore.

I feel they are not humans. They are machines specifically designed to enhance and magnify human misery. I mean how twisted can one truly be? How far can one go to hurt other people and not even realize it, or care about it?

If you have been in an extreme relationship with a BPD you will know what I mean. I hope this helps you identify some of your own feelings.


Jae can be emailed at: pisces@twmi.rr.com

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