As a general rule I usually answer right away, but this one I have thought
long and hard, becuase there is so much that I would want to change. The
one thing that I would change, would be the extremes, the black and white
thinking, good and bad, friend or enemies, and the list goes on. Even my
personality the child vers the adult. By these extrems, I have ruin every
relationship, every dream, every accomplishment, and the list goes on also.
It won't just let me enjoy what I do have but rather I am looking for the
oppisite and any given moment it can flip over the simplest things. That
most of my other BPD trates come back to this. Suicide, SI, top of the
world, I can do any thing, Are of reflections of the extremes.
Could I change this? Why or why not?
I think that yes given time and money yes, all things are possiable, it
only when we stop trying that we fail. however I think it is a life long
project, as it is for drug addicts. I may learn how to deal with it and
change the way I parsive things. But I have to remember that It took 36
years to get into the shape I am in that this won't happen over night, that
this is a process of two step forward and one step back. By constinely
reminding myself this so that when the extremes hit that I am better
perpair for them.
I will always be BPD, it just I don't have to act it and let it rule
my life.
Lil
The hardest thing about having BPD is the inconsistency. It's
as though both the enemy and the friend exist within me and i never
know which one is going to decide to greet the day with me. One moment
i'm fine and happy, the next i'm reactive, mis-interpreting others
comments and explosive. I hate that calm before the storm. And after
the storm, i become depressed for having succumb to my irrational
thoughts yet another time. It's a never ending, tiring fight to keep
some form of balance and stabiltiy in my life.
To change this, ideally, if i could contstruct a bridge between my
intellectual rational mind and the emotions within me and have these two
parts of myself learn to communicate with one another, maybe that would
prevent some of my rollercoasters. I do think this is possible to do, or
atleast partially, it just might take me some years..in fact many, but my
belief is that it is possible.
Blair M.
The hardest thing for me is the fact that I have successfully
destroyed every relationship I have ever been in :( I would change it
(especially in my most recent case) because all I want is just one
person that I can love, trust and share my life with. I keep finding
good ones and destroying it. Destroying loving relationships is the
one thing that I am most successful at. :(
Steve
Well - for me it is the ups and downs and the riding a rollercoaster -
and also it is the lack of rationale behind the ups and downs -
getting so irrational when you know that you are intelligent - but
yet - you can't see for all is white or all is black. And then,
the final thing - is blow outs - having them and then trying to clean
up the mess afterwoods.
I could go on and on - the bottom line for me is that BPD is hard -
fullstop. To single out a hardest thing about it - is not easy. It
is all Hard. Mind you I just want you all to know - that even though
this sounds depressing - I am not at all depressed at the moment.
Michelle
For me the hardest thing about having BPD is knowing
the "craziness" is going to come back, sooner or
later. You work so hard to try to stop it but it
catches you so off guard. I do have triggers, but
most days they don't bother me and then the irrational
seething, loathing anger will jump up and snatch at
that trigger. When the storm passes, I look around me
and cannot believe I could have done the things I have
done, said the things I said, or thought the things I
thought. In the throes of a storm, I think "I am an
intelligent, sensitive, and dammit yes, a NICE human
being. So why am I doing this?" I just mop up the
mess, try to learn from it and go on.
Tracey
what i hate most about having bpd:
When I read this topic it made me pull up and ask myself some very
basic questions:
have I really got this disorder?
what does it mean to have this disorder?
what does it mean to have ANY disorder?
are there other considerations involved in "having a disorder" other
than merely diagnostic parameter related issues? like:
political/social/economic issues (for instance, the old argument that
a lot of western psychiatric 'disorders' would evaporate under
different socio-economic and cultural conditions, and moreso when one
broadens the question to include a historical dimension)
When I got through this process (which, of course, i didn't solve!)
I was left with this tentative understanding of the question, and my
feeling about how it might relate to me:
to ask "what is the worst thing about having bpd" is roughly
equivalent to asking: "what is the worst thing about being me, right
here, right now?"
this formulation of the question naturally leads to the others
proposed by AJ: What would I most like to change about myself?
to which I would have to answer:
"My tendancy to project out of my past and on to the present, issues
which have been burned/branded into my psyche-being, beyond my
conscious control"
(sometimes I feel like an anger-fountain, working with the force of
a well-functioning fire-hydrant or flame-thrower, which
something/someone keeps activating against my will, and against the
best interests of civic peace and order and health)
Michael
My knee jerk response is the emotional intensity of my feelings.
But I don't wish to lower the intensity of joy and love.
My rational response is the beliefs and fears I carry. Without
them, my negative perceptions and my emotional reactions would not
occur or cause me such internal distress.
The true hardest thing about having BPD for me is my desire to
quit and give up. My ability to lose all hope when I'm most
depressed is the most painful, the most destructive and the hardest
thing to battle. I don't try, improve or change without hope.
Could I change this? Why or why not?
Change is always an option. The problem is whether I am willing
to change and reinforce my beliefs.
This topic seems to have inspired a lot of people. I have seen
so many heartfelt responses that touch me.
Deb
What I really hate about BPD is how I feel right now. Empty empty empty
worthless worthless worthless. WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THIS, I
REALLY REALLY HATE THIS.
Bird
For me the hardest thing about having BPD is:
To be unable to have normal relations with other
human beings which is a result of me beeing
unable to stand nearness.
Chris
The hardest thing for me right now - is having no sense of
myself. I go from hour to hour having new ideas, career goals,
relationship desires. I am never constant. And it is emotionally
draining because just when I think I have it all together about
what I want to do, be , etc.... I think of what it will take to
get there and it seems to hard, too much work so then I lose
interest and am back shuffling through an identity. I long for
stability, in myself and for my surroundings.
I wish I could know exactly what parts of me are me and what
parts are emotioal waste and which parts are bdo and which parts
are other people's expectations. I haven't got a clue rught now.
Tai
On Being Compulsive
