I feel very defensive and scared when I hear non-BPD persons
talk about how awful it is to live with a person with BPD. I feel like
I am being attacked if the person is really negative(ie-"the only way to
deal with a BPD partner is to get rid of them." or "BPD people are
abusive and manipulative and cause any problems that go on in a
relationship"). Although, I know that this can be true, it may also be
untrue. I try not to be manipulative. I do not abuse my spuse or
children. Secondly, it scares me to see this stuff on-line or in books
as I fear that my husband will give up on me. Someone wrote my husband
that the only way to deal with a BPD wife was to divorce her. My husband
told me he wasn't giving up on me but it still really bothered me. I
know this is the fear of abandonment but it scares me.
I feel that many books and other sources portray persons with BPD as
being evil---rather like the demon seed. When I was in the hospital
last Fall, one of the therapists told me that I wasn't BPD as they were
really screwwed up and had horrible problems and I didn't seem to fit
the diagnosis. Then, she showed me my chart that I had asked to see and
the PDoc had written down BPD. The therapist's mouth fell open and she
said "Well I'm not a PDoc" and walked away. I know the steriotype, but
I am not evil. I am in a lot of pain and I need help and compassion to
learn to cope in a more appropriate manner. I am in some ways like a
child who needs to be nurtured, taught, and loved in order to grow into
a healthy individual. I need support and someone to help me to learn.
I need at times for someone to tell me that I have made a good choice or
firmly told why my behavior or choice was not the best one I could have
made in a given situation. I need acceptance and love.
This is a topic that I am familar to me. It hurt my feel when my husband
talks about me having BPD. Like I choose to have this. He exspects me to be
able to fix now that my illness has a label. About like when people go on a
diet. They think that they can loss the weight instantly.
Then I get mad, because he act like it is worse for him then me. I try and
expain that at least if he tired of dealing with it he get to leave. I on
the other hand am stuck with this for life. That him and the kid suffer
more then I. I do know that it is tuff living with somebody that can change
one moment to the next, but not nearly as it is for us (those of us who are
inflicked with it).
As for the doctors I was shock that it took 8 months in the largest city in
our state. Since it was my pain T that was help me find one. I would go
once or twice to be told that I was too difficult a case for them to
handle. Just what I need rejection. I was a maze that people in mentel
health choose not to help the people who need it most. My first pdoc drop
me after a year I had just been labled BPD, though vocation rehab I was
given a psyhic test. I have read alot of doc talk about how they won't work
with BPD because it too hard. Don't want to waste there time or energy.
I guess what I'm saying is that I am tired of people saying that it worse
for them then me (Yeah right not in this life). They need to walk in our
When I am confronted about how my BPD has affected others I want to turn and
I feel so much shame about it, and alot of sadness at how it has hurt my
family. But of course being bpd I have a hard time letting myself be
exposed to and to experience the feelings.
Wow this is an interesting question.
For some dumb reason I always feel all defensive when I listen to or read
someone's story about living with someone with BPD. I feel like they are
judging me (ie. anything they say about one person with BPD must also apply
to me - and then I feel guilt for some stupid reason and then I get all
defensive). I consider myself to be a very empathetic person - but when it
comes to people talking about how they deal with living with a person who
has BPD I seem to automatically go on the defensive - I can't seem to step
back and try to see their point of view.
Both anger and guilt. Whenever I hear someone make generalized
statements like "All BPDs are hell to live with, might as well kill them all!"
I get really angry. First off, it's never all of anything that's any particular
way. Secondly, we're not BPDs, we have been diagnosed with BPD. Thirdly,
who gave them the right to say that anyone should die? I can go on and on
with this..... With a statement like "I really loved her, but I just don't
understand why BPD can do this to her! It hurts me too!" Then I feel
guilt! Major and incredible guilt! I realize that I've put people through
those same exact feelings and that they're probably questioning things too
and where are they getting their answers? Hopefully from someone like this
person rather than the idiot from the first quote. Usually none of the
statements are quite this black and white. :-) So I get to go through a
rapid cycling of guilt and anger and then I get confused and have to just
hold myself back and not respond at all, then I get depressed because I
couldn't do anything. I wasn't good enough to be able to control myself
enough to respond in an adult manner and protect people diagnosed with BPD.
*sigh* I guess I really don't get to win in a situation like this. If I'm
on high levels of an anti-depressant that's working really well then I
usually ignore both statements and go on with life like an ignorant buffoon.
At one point in my life I was basically a selfish brat who
couldn't understand why this huge world was oh so mean to innocent little
me. (HA!) Whenever I read something written by a non-bp either here or on
the non-bp lists or webpages, I would immediately become livid and could
not at all identify with them (let alone actually *listen* to what they
had to say).
So I stopped reading the non-BPD internet stuff, but then in a
weird twist I found out that my mother had also been diagnosed with BPD.
And that explained a lot for me about my childhood. So I was briefly a
member of a list for children with borderline parents and there I learned
the value in listening to the other side of the coin.
Learning its value and appreciating it is a far cry from liking to
hear it. The truth is harsh and the non-borderlines are often as screwed
up as any borderline is. So it can be hard to distinguish between the
useful criticism and the uncalled for bashing.
The Hardest Thing About Having BPD